I'm here

I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for the courage that you possess, the very courage that I've tried for years to master yet failed miserably. When going through tough times in my life I tend to keep things within, surpressing them in hopes that even I can hide the pain from myself and it works for a little while yet in the end I find myself backed against a wall with no way out....so I pray. Sometimes I feel that God is the only one I can really talk to, forcing myself to believe that He's the only person that truly knows my pain. Such a lie I've been telling myself.... the pain that I live is also others pain..... The pain that others endure is my pain....

I commend you for speaking out and you don't know how much it means to me for you to have shared this trying time with me. You probably don't know but when people I truly care about deal with hardships, their trials and tribulations instantly become my own. My heart, mind, and soul instantly are affected by the things they've endured.....you've endured.....

I wish so desperately that I had the words to ease your pain but my heart can't seem to find them. I have attempted to help you with the situation yet I still feel as if there were things that could have been said that weren't; like I should have dug deeper into my soul to find more things within me that could have helped you. But I thank you, your courage has given me the courage to open up more to others who can help me when I'm dealing with the situations of life... I'm sure that God will appreciate this (lol).

A good characteristic that God has blessed me with is the ability to listen. Sometimes that's all people really need is for someone to take the time to listen to what it is they are going through. I want you to know that I am always available to listen. I want you to know that i'm here..........

For you Greg.

Disappear

I want to disappear
I want to up and vanish just like you did
not telling a single soul of my departure
and not caring whether im missed desperately
or longed for in the midnights hours

I want to disappear
just like you did
take the joy from another
the happiness that I once gave will be no more
I want to just leave memories
in which will become even more vague in time

let me disappear like you did
let others reach for me and I'm no longer there
call my name and I don't answer
wait for me.... wonder.... dream of me

I want to disappear just like you did
cause maybe if I leave
I can find you
then we can be reunited
both vanished
and reappear......

Paint me beautiful

I am currently a blank canvas and you are the artist I have chosen to paint me
I admire your work
I adore the stroke of your brush
the creativity brewing within you
excites me and I desire your attention
please paint me

tired of being blank
others have attempted but failed
I guess I wanted too many colors
too much detail
would have taken too much time for such a project
but I want you to master me
just paint me

I want to be all the colors of the rainbows
the heavens
and you can even surprise me with a color or two
paint my heart deep red
my soul pretty in lavendar
my mind light blue
please paint me
just paint me
but whatever you do .....I hope that you paint me beautiful......

Give me Bread

I confess.... I am terribly hungry right now. My emaciated mind and soul desires, yearns, and is begging on bended knees for the nourishment it needs....DESERVES! You see, I am not hungry for food.... my body is well fed. It is my mind and soul that are starving for the nourishment, they've been deprived. They crave achievement, advancement, progression, productivity, success.... GREATNESS. At this time these are foods that I can't seem to afford.

Looking down at my plate engulfs me with a sense of something.... thats too confusing... too complicated, and simply hurts too much to explain. My plate is literally empty and the amount of food upon it will only be a tease to my mind and soul leaving them in pure anger and reducing them to beg for more. My cup is an even sadder site than my plate not running over like once before, reducing me to take small slow sips so it could last a little bit longer. It is not half full in my eyes but half empty, just waiting to leave me with a thirst long after its been dranked.

I called myself taking a trip to the grocery store yet from the looks of my refrigerator and cabinets I can't tell. On my list I could only check off progression and advancement.... hopefully I will be able to afford success, achievement, and productivity on my next visit. I can probably even buy greatness.

I confess. I am not ashamed at the least about my current feelings toward success. I never want to just settle for things in life.... I always want to advance and reach different heights that will enable me to be a better person. I will always climb the ladder to mold myself into the being that I know I can be. I will never stop climbing...............

He Listens

I guess my thoughts have dwelled within me for quite sometime now, not wishing to share them with anyone... selfish and uncaring. I have only whispered my thoughts in Gods ears and a good listener he has been. Hearing my hearts stories of things won, lost, and forgotten.... listening to my soul confessing its most precious feelings...... sitting patiently as I explain to Him all the facts of nothingness and everything brewing in my mind; protesting my thoughts gleefully like a child all excited and ready to tell the world any and everything it will listen to. He has even listened to my sorrows; the ones my heart don't wish to tell and even when it tries to hide such pain from the world, not uttering a single sign to God Himself, he finds me and whispers the pain in my ears that I thought were so hidden only reminding me that I can't hide anything from Him.... just another reminder that I should face all concerns and I have!

Such conversations with Him leaves me with a feeling of peace and a something kinda pure that I can't quite explain. I thank Him for lending me his ear when the world is too busy too listen... too deaf to even notice im speaking.... asleep at the times when I want to talk most....

My focus as of now is for You to make my soul into something wonderful, positive, and successful... just plain beautiful. I know that You will continue to listen to my heart and hear every prayer. Amen....